As I sit here 8 months pregnant, I really do feel the worst mothers’ guilt. This baby is something both Will and I really wanted. We were so thrilled when the test came back positive. As time passes by day by day, I feel myself getting more and more on edge and worried about the new arrival. I mean of course, we are excited and we are ready to complete our family with a second baby but in so many ways I really don’t feel ready.
For as long as I remember, it has just been me and Josh. Before Will was around, it was just the two of us enjoying life and having lots of little adventures together. It was hard enough bringing Will into our lives as I couldn’t cope with the thought of Josh feeling pushed out but luckily they have such a strong bond. I have such a strong guilt that as soon as this baby is born, mine and Josh’s relationship will change forever. The special bond that we have will change as there will be another little person fighting for my attention and the thought of it does make me extremely sad. I feel guilty for feeling this way about a new baby just as much as I do about changing Josh’s little life forever. Josh is my best friend, no one else can make me happy and smile like he does. I love that when he needs someone or if I just leave the room he runs after me. My little boy is going to have to share my attention now. He will have to wait sometimes when he wants to show me something that excites him and he is going to have to learn to share his mummy.
Josh really is such a mummy’s boy and he hates it when I hold anyone else’s hand, or pick up another baby to cuddle. He gets really protective and tells them I’m his mummy and not theirs. I just don’t want him to feel pushed out and end up resenting his little brother for taking up a lot of my time. I am trying my hardest to make it a positive thing for him to look forward to, and at the moment, he does talk positively about it. Even the thought of everyone coming to visit the baby with presents scares me. What if Josh gets jealous and feels left out? I ask myself so many questions daily like:
How can I love anyone as much as I do Josh?
What if I can’t give him as much attention as usual and he ends up feeling pushed out?
What if he doesn’t take to being a big brother?
What if he wants to send him back?
He is so reliant on his mummy, and I won’t have every spare second of my day to dedicate to just him. It really is such a hard thing to think about. He has never spent a night away from me (other than the one or two when he was one and I was sick). When I am in labour, how will he cope with not having me to put him to sleep or wake up with him? How will he feel when he sees me next and there is a brand new baby to look at? Josh is such an on the go child and he hates playing alone. He always has someone on the floor with him building lego or playing with his cars. I think it’s going to take him a lot of time to adapt to not having his mummy on call whenever he needs.
All I can hope is that he will love me more for giving him a forever friend to play with. Someone who he will always have to go to when I am not around, and I hope that they will be the best of friends. The guilt doesn’t stop with just Josh. I already feel guilty at the thought of not being able to spend as much time cuddling this baby like I did with Josh. When I had Josh, we would just lay and cuddle for hours on end. I obviously wont have the time this time around, with a new house to look after and Josh to keep entertained. It is going to take such a lot to get used to it; I really am so anxious about the change that is coming. There is nothing worse than thinking of Josh feeling left out or pushed out, and I will do everything I can to make him feel as happy and secure as he does now. As we are moving into a new home away from my parents, he will have lots to adapt to. Additionally, he is starting big boy school in September so around the corner, there are lots of big changes happening in his little life. All I can do is be the best mum I can be to both of them and hope that all this guilt goes away and brings us all even closer together.
Nothing can break the bond that we have and hopefully his little brother can only increase that. Josh is my entire world so I guess it’s only normal to wonder how I feel about having another child. Everyone who I have spoken to about this have all told me it is normal. That I will feel like this but as soon as he comes along it will all change. My love won’t halve for Josh, it will just double for the both of them. I can only hope that they are all right and this guilt will go away as soon as he arrives. In the mean time, all I can do is enjoy the last few weeks I have left of just me and Josh. I am really going to make the most of our long cuddles and playing with endless cars. I have written all this whilst he plays with his nanny on the floor and I feel guilty that its an hour gone that I could have spent with him, how ridiculous is that?
Don’t get me wrong, I already feel a bond with our second baby. Whenever he kicks and moves, I feel a rush of love and happiness too. It is just such a change and I am really anxious about how much change Josh will have to deal with.
Did you feel guilty?
Does it all change the moment your second is born? I would love to know your views.